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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Tenants Feel Guilty Asking Elderly Maintenance Man To Fix Anything

BOSTON–Tenants in the apartment building at 437 Market St. reported Monday that they experience a gnawing feeling of guilt every time they ask Hank Hudson, the 82-year-old maintenance man, to repair anything. "The other day, my sink was clogged and, at first, I was going to ask Hank to fix it," Apt. 4B tenant Julie Winters said Monday. "Then I remembered the time he repaired the furnace and coughed for weeks afterwards. In the end, I just bought a snake and did it myself."

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