Tennessee Legislature Divided Over Ford-Chevy Issue

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Vol 32 Issue 09

Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head the newly created U.S. Task Force on Nudity & Aging. Calling Tweed the "grand old dame of the softcore, R-rated, made-for-cable film industry," Clinton said the oft-topless actress was "ideal for the position, bringing with her more than 20 years of nudity-related experience." The task force will examine the effects of aging on nudity-based careers and help develop new strategies for approaching both toplessness and full-frontal nudity for actresses over 40. Tweed will assume her new role later this month, following the completion of her latest film, Bare Evidence, which co-stars William Katt as a cop who goes undercover to find a killer who's stalking the strip joints of a major metropolitan city. The film will be available in both R-rated and unrated formats in video stores this fall.

Area Man Thanked For Playing

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot Summer Game." "Thanks for playing—try again," gushed the red plastic cap from a 20-ounce bottle of Coke purchased by Neary during his lunch hour. "That was very nice of Coca-Cola," Neary said. "I appreciated that, even though I didn't win, the beverage giant took the time to encourage me to try again." Neary has previously been thanked for shopping at Waldenbooks and flying United Airlines.

Monster Undeterred By Night-Light

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a protective Mighty Morphin Power Rangers night-light. A forensics report revealed that the unidentified beast spent several minutes violently shaking Barry Dawes, 6, terrifying him to make him tastier through the release of adrenaline. He then tore off and ate the boy's limbs first, enjoying his screams until the very end. The light's manufacturer promised a full inquiry into the apparent failure of the product.

Transplanted New Yorker Disappointed With Local Bagel Scene

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel scene Monday. "There's no good bagels in this town," Fox said. "They're like bakery rolls with holes in the middle. And the selection's terrible, too: I went to five different bagel places this morning, and not one of them had pumpernickel." Fox said the only place to get real bagels is at B&B Bagels on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.

Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Ende Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since Friday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been well over a week since we last had an earthquake, typhoon or some other natural disaster that killed over 1,000." A public memorial service for the dead was held Tuesday, during which an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

There Is So Much Controversy These Days

Have you read about all the controversy? I can barely keep my head on straight, what with all the controversy in this country nowadays. I mean, how are we supposed to live our lives when so many critical issues hang in the balance? Just thinking about the new season of Ellen sends my heart rate up to 100. Will she find a girlfriend? Will they kiss on the air? Will advertisers pull out?

The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?

I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.
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Tennessee Legislature Divided Over Ford-Chevy Issue

NASHVILLE, TN—The Tennessee state legislature will hold a historic, first-ever Sunday session this week to break a three-week Ford-Chevy deadlock, The Tennesseean reported Friday.

In a statement that enraged many of his fellow Tennessee lawmakers, State Rep. Cordell Pritchett (R-Chattanooga) said he would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.

"This is a vital issue, not only for legislators but for the good people of Tennessee," said Governor Don Sundquist in an address to the legislature Thursday. "Our constituents care deeply about what brand of truck they drive to work in, rack their guns in, and order their wives back into. But we can no longer carry on as a state divided."

The congressional dispute began Sept. 8, following a bipartisan review of the NASCAR Exide Battery 400 on a television screen in the State Assembly chambers. Upon driver Dale Jarrett's victory in a Ford Thunderbird, Rep. Cordell Pritchett (R-Chattanooga) announced to his fellow legislators that he would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.

The remark sparked outrage among many of Pritchett's colleagues. "As the elected representative of the good people of the 23rd district, I could not in good faith allow such a blasphemous statement to be made," Rep. Lawton "Easy" McCallum (D-Laverne) said. "The citizens of my district have instructed me to inform Mr. Pritchett that 'Ford' stands for 'Found On Road Dead.' While the good people of the 23rd may well be right, I myself have always maintained that it means 'Fix Or Repair Daily.'"

Among the major sticking points in the Ford-Chevy debate: whether being Ford-tough is preferable to being like a rock; who gets the Chevy and who gets the Ford in a Tennessee divorce; and whether or not "Chevrolet" is a real American name.

"I resent my esteemed colleagues' insinuations that on a quiet Tennessee night, one can hear Fords rusting," Rep. Bud Kendall (R-Memphis) said Friday near the end of a marathon four-day pro-Ford filibuster. "In response, I intend to begin wearing T-shirts which portray Calvin of the Calvin And Hobbes comic strip urinating upon the Chevy 'bow-tie' logo." Kendall would not comment upon rumors that he will apply a decal of the same design to the rear window of his 1989 Ford F-150.

According to Sundquist, the debate embodies "the deepest, most dearly held beliefs" of the state. "Tennesseeans are passionate about this issue," the governor said. "On the one side, you have those who claim a Ford is a slow, rusty muthinlaw car they wouldn't have as a dog house, and on the other you have those who say that, in effect, their wife yes, their dog maybe, but their Ford, never. I mean, a statement like that implies they're literally willing to give up their marriage over this issue. That shows a very serious level of commitment."

Sundquist, who has long remained neutral on the volatile issue, is reportedly retaining two separate pickups—one a Ford and the other a Chevy—alternating equally between them for use in hauling around his dogs and hunting equipment.

The current car-and-truck brand-loyalty schism is the state's most severe legislative bottleneck since the Remington-Winchester shotgun debates of the '50s. It is also widely believed to be its worst automotive divide since the infamous Camaro-Mustang feuds of the early '70s.

"Back in the old Camaro-Mustang days, things could get pretty nasty on the Senate floor," said Sen. Hank Rawlings (D-Smyrna), a member of the Tennessee legislature since 1973. "But there was one difference: In those days, the governor could instantly bring the legislature to consensus by calling for a vote on the 'shitbox' status of the then-new Japanese compacts. Those votes would always be unanimous."

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