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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Tennessee Men's Lady Vols Eliminated From NCAA Tournament

DAYTON, OH—In a dramatic three-point play with 7.2 seconds left in their first-round game, the No. 9 seed Tennessee Men's Lady Vols fell 77-75 to Oklahoma State last Friday. "With their heart and aggressiveness, these young guys really represent what it means to be a Men's Lady Vol," said coach Bruce Pearl, adding that the team really gelled after a talk on teamwork from Tennessee head basketball coach Pat Summitt. "With so many talented athletes on the court, we all knew it was going to come down to the wire. Hopefully, next time Mr. Lady Luck will be on our side." Rounding out a disappointing weekend for Tennessee, its heavily favored Women's Lady Vols title defense ended much sooner than expected.

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