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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Tennessee Men's Lady Vols Eliminated From NCAA Tournament

DAYTON, OH—In a dramatic three-point play with 7.2 seconds left in their first-round game, the No. 9 seed Tennessee Men's Lady Vols fell 77-75 to Oklahoma State last Friday. "With their heart and aggressiveness, these young guys really represent what it means to be a Men's Lady Vol," said coach Bruce Pearl, adding that the team really gelled after a talk on teamwork from Tennessee head basketball coach Pat Summitt. "With so many talented athletes on the court, we all knew it was going to come down to the wire. Hopefully, next time Mr. Lady Luck will be on our side." Rounding out a disappointing weekend for Tennessee, its heavily favored Women's Lady Vols title defense ended much sooner than expected.

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