adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Tennessee Titans Fans Looking Forward To Bye Week

NASHVILLE, TN—After enduring six straight losses and suffering through a humiliating 59-0 thrashing by the Patriots last Sunday, despondent Titans fans told reporters Wednesday that they were looking forward to enjoying a nice, relaxing bye week. "We're all hurting pretty bad, so this couldn't have come at a better time," Titans season-ticket holder Luther Murphy said. "Hopefully the week off will give us a chance to recharge, heal our wounds, and come back stronger than ever. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? We suck." Though a majority of Titans fans said they wouldn't think or look at a football during their off week, some said they looked forward to spending their Sunday enjoying NFL football for the first time this year.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close