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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Tennis Ball Brought On Trip

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Jeremy McCormick, 14, confirmed Tuesday that he brought a tennis ball on his trip to Florida. "I figured I'd bring it just in case," McCormick told reporters, adding that he has packed a tennis ball on all six of his previous trips. "Maybe I'll toss it around, I don't know." McCormick later stated that he couldn't recall the last time he actually removed the tennis ball from his duffel bag, which also includes an unused Nike bathing suit and a paperback copy of Michael Crichton's Congo.

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