adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

The devastation caused by the spread of Africa can be seen widely across the region.
The devastation caused by the spread of Africa can be seen widely across the region.

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing Africa plaguing the region.

"At this point, we are unable to keep up with the flood of victims from the continuing Africa," said World Health Organization director-general Margaret Chan, who called the current Africa the "most urgent and devastating"humanitarian disaster of our time. "By our count, this catastrophic Africa has killed more than 100 million individuals over the past 10 years, and we're seeing thousands more—many of them helpless infants and children—succumbing to Africa by the day."

"And unfortunately," Chan added, "the merciless Africa shows no signs of abating."

Africa, which affects upwards of 40 million new residents annually, has only grown more deadly over the years. According to WHO figures, many of the afflicted die from Africa or Africa-related complications before they even reach the age of 5.

In addition to the staggering number of deaths attributable to the persistent, destructive Africa, roughly 1 billion individuals are now said to be living with the highly lethal continent, and for most there is little hope of recovery.

"Sadly, Africa has been a problem in this area for generations," World Food Program coordinator Jens Dreyer said from his office in Niger, a country that has long been mired in a perpetual state of Africa. "The scale of this disastrous Africa is overwhelming. We're doing what we can to contain it, but it's just so widespread."

"Despite all our efforts, I still see Africa everywhere I look," Dreyer continued. " For those who live here, there's just no avoiding it."

In Mali and Guinea-Bissau, the unrelenting Africa has reportedly turned bloody, wiping out entire villages, eroding even the most basic functions of civil society, and displacing hundreds of thousands of people whom the Africa has left without access to food and water. Additionally, graphic images of violent military crackdowns, vicious border disputes, and outright slaughter confirm that large parts of Egypt, Sudan, and Somalia have once again collapsed into full-scale Africa.

A number of critics, including certain state agencies and nongovernmental organizations, have accused developed countries of offering only token aid, claiming that such nations would prefer to ignore the horrors of the grisly Africa altogether and pretend the continuing Africa simply doesn't exist.

The U.S. government has acknowledged the problem, citing the 10 million women and children who die each year from Africa-linked preventable causes, and maintains it is doing all it can to address the grave humanitarian crisis in the Africa-ravaged region.

"The real tragedy here is that Africa is 100 percent treatable and all but nonexistent in other parts of the world," said State Department spokesman Annette Green, painting a grim, hopeless picture of those who struggle daily with the debilitating continent. "But sadly, for the unfortunate individuals born here amid these horrific conditions, a diagnosis of Africa is effectively a death sentence."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close