adBlockCheck

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

The devastation caused by the spread of Africa can be seen widely across the region.
The devastation caused by the spread of Africa can be seen widely across the region.

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing Africa plaguing the region.

"At this point, we are unable to keep up with the flood of victims from the continuing Africa," said World Health Organization director-general Margaret Chan, who called the current Africa the "most urgent and devastating"humanitarian disaster of our time. "By our count, this catastrophic Africa has killed more than 100 million individuals over the past 10 years, and we're seeing thousands more—many of them helpless infants and children—succumbing to Africa by the day."

"And unfortunately," Chan added, "the merciless Africa shows no signs of abating."

Africa, which affects upwards of 40 million new residents annually, has only grown more deadly over the years. According to WHO figures, many of the afflicted die from Africa or Africa-related complications before they even reach the age of 5.

In addition to the staggering number of deaths attributable to the persistent, destructive Africa, roughly 1 billion individuals are now said to be living with the highly lethal continent, and for most there is little hope of recovery.

"Sadly, Africa has been a problem in this area for generations," World Food Program coordinator Jens Dreyer said from his office in Niger, a country that has long been mired in a perpetual state of Africa. "The scale of this disastrous Africa is overwhelming. We're doing what we can to contain it, but it's just so widespread."

"Despite all our efforts, I still see Africa everywhere I look," Dreyer continued. " For those who live here, there's just no avoiding it."

In Mali and Guinea-Bissau, the unrelenting Africa has reportedly turned bloody, wiping out entire villages, eroding even the most basic functions of civil society, and displacing hundreds of thousands of people whom the Africa has left without access to food and water. Additionally, graphic images of violent military crackdowns, vicious border disputes, and outright slaughter confirm that large parts of Egypt, Sudan, and Somalia have once again collapsed into full-scale Africa.

A number of critics, including certain state agencies and nongovernmental organizations, have accused developed countries of offering only token aid, claiming that such nations would prefer to ignore the horrors of the grisly Africa altogether and pretend the continuing Africa simply doesn't exist.

The U.S. government has acknowledged the problem, citing the 10 million women and children who die each year from Africa-linked preventable causes, and maintains it is doing all it can to address the grave humanitarian crisis in the Africa-ravaged region.

"The real tragedy here is that Africa is 100 percent treatable and all but nonexistent in other parts of the world," said State Department spokesman Annette Green, painting a grim, hopeless picture of those who struggle daily with the debilitating continent. "But sadly, for the unfortunate individuals born here amid these horrific conditions, a diagnosis of Africa is effectively a death sentence."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close