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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Tense Party Enters Third Hour Of Unplayed Acoustic Guitar Leaning Against Wall

EUGENE, OR—The tension at a party hosted by area man Chad Kopp was reportedly increasing by the minute Friday as attendees continued to glance uneasily at an acoustic guitar leaning against the living room wall for the third straight hour. “Yeah, Chad’s got a really cool place,” Kopp’s friend Eric Morehouse said to a small cluster of fellow guests, all of whom furtively eyed the guitar for any indication whatsoever that someone might pick it up and launch into a popular song, or an unknown riff they might later reveal as “just something [they’d] been working on.” “It’s much bigger than his old apartment, that’s for sure.” At press time, a full-blown panic was narrowly avoided when a party guest walking toward the guitar continued on to the bedroom to retrieve his jacket.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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