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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Terrance Knighton

Defensive Tackle, Denver Broncos

Strengths: No longer a Jacksonville Jaguar; Helmet is natural outgrowth of head; Weight allows him to easily plug all holes and arteries

Weakness: Very embarrassed when he doesn’t fit into backfield

Favorite Cut Of Football: Rump

Celebrity Look-Alike: Grimace

Sack Celebration: Flashes thumbs-up sign, shouts “all right!”

40-Yard Dash: Just under 4.3 days

Weight: 1.69 Matt Praters

NEXT: Pete Carroll

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