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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Terrance Knighton

Defensive Tackle, Denver Broncos

Strengths: No longer a Jacksonville Jaguar; Helmet is natural outgrowth of head; Weight allows him to easily plug all holes and arteries

Weakness: Very embarrassed when he doesn’t fit into backfield

Favorite Cut Of Football: Rump

Celebrity Look-Alike: Grimace

Sack Celebration: Flashes thumbs-up sign, shouts “all right!”

40-Yard Dash: Just under 4.3 days

Weight: 1.69 Matt Praters

NEXT: Pete Carroll

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