Terrance Knighton

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Terrance Knighton

Defensive Tackle, Denver Broncos

Strengths: No longer a Jacksonville Jaguar; Helmet is natural outgrowth of head; Weight allows him to easily plug all holes and arteries

Weakness: Very embarrassed when he doesn’t fit into backfield

Favorite Cut Of Football: Rump

Celebrity Look-Alike: Grimace

Sack Celebration: Flashes thumbs-up sign, shouts “all right!”

40-Yard Dash: Just under 4.3 days

Weight: 1.69 Matt Praters

NEXT: Pete Carroll

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