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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Terrell Owens Calls Dallas 'A Good Place To Spend The Summer'

DALLAS—Shortly after signing a three-year, $25 million contract with the Cowboys, controversial wideout Terrell Owens said he was looking forward to spending a nice, relaxing summer in Dallas. "Dallas seems like a nice town, but I certainly don't want to settle down here. I should be able to see and do everything I want to within a few months—get some exercise, hang out at camp, and make a few friends I can keep in touch with as my travels take me elsewhere," Owens said in a press conference Monday. "I might even stay into the fall, but I hear that things get a little hectic and the people get really intense that time of year, so I definitely want to get away before Thanksgiving. There's nothing I like more than spending the holiday season at home." Those close to Owens say it's unlikely that he will take full advantage of his short time in Dallas, however, noting that he "spent two whole years in Philadelphia and barely left his hotel room."

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