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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine

SEATTLE—Seahawks wide receiver Terrell Owens announced Friday that he was still struggling to decide which of the team's three quarterbacks to undermine this season, claiming that Matt Flynn, Russell Wilson, and Tarvaris Jackson were all potential candidates for unfair criticism and personal attacks. "I'm torn, because Russell is a rookie, so I thought I would be able to publicly blame him for a poor offensive performance, but he's doing great," said Owens, who wouldn't rule out openly insinuating that one of the quarterbacks was secretly gay. "Matt's obviously more experienced than Russell, and he'd be perfect for unjust accusations that he's not getting me the ball enough and is favoring other receivers. On the other hand, let's not forget about Tarvaris, either—he already knows this offense so well that I could easily question the level of his conditioning in front of reporters." Owens also confirmed that he was still weighing which team to sign a short-term contract with once he is released by the Seahawks midway through the season.

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