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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine

SEATTLE—Seahawks wide receiver Terrell Owens announced Friday that he was still struggling to decide which of the team's three quarterbacks to undermine this season, claiming that Matt Flynn, Russell Wilson, and Tarvaris Jackson were all potential candidates for unfair criticism and personal attacks. "I'm torn, because Russell is a rookie, so I thought I would be able to publicly blame him for a poor offensive performance, but he's doing great," said Owens, who wouldn't rule out openly insinuating that one of the quarterbacks was secretly gay. "Matt's obviously more experienced than Russell, and he'd be perfect for unjust accusations that he's not getting me the ball enough and is favoring other receivers. On the other hand, let's not forget about Tarvaris, either—he already knows this offense so well that I could easily question the level of his conditioning in front of reporters." Owens also confirmed that he was still weighing which team to sign a short-term contract with once he is released by the Seahawks midway through the season.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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