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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine

SEATTLE—Seahawks wide receiver Terrell Owens announced Friday that he was still struggling to decide which of the team's three quarterbacks to undermine this season, claiming that Matt Flynn, Russell Wilson, and Tarvaris Jackson were all potential candidates for unfair criticism and personal attacks. "I'm torn, because Russell is a rookie, so I thought I would be able to publicly blame him for a poor offensive performance, but he's doing great," said Owens, who wouldn't rule out openly insinuating that one of the quarterbacks was secretly gay. "Matt's obviously more experienced than Russell, and he'd be perfect for unjust accusations that he's not getting me the ball enough and is favoring other receivers. On the other hand, let's not forget about Tarvaris, either—he already knows this offense so well that I could easily question the level of his conditioning in front of reporters." Owens also confirmed that he was still weighing which team to sign a short-term contract with once he is released by the Seahawks midway through the season.

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