Terrible Artist Thinks Latest Piece Really Represents A Culmination Of Everything He’s Been Working Toward All His Life

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.

Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow Of Rodent He Once Was

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Terrible Artist Thinks Latest Piece Really Represents A Culmination Of Everything He’s Been Working Toward All His Life

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing a lifetime of deep commitment to the creative process, profoundly untalented painter Todd Reese told reporters Saturday that his newest mixed-media piece is the inevitable culmination of a decades-long period of artistic growth. “In Hand Of God #8, you can definitely see the evolution of my entire body of work over the years in terms of both technique and theme—or mode and motif, if you will,” said the remarkably hackneyed Reese, 56, who reportedly funneled his “entire philosophy of art, as both a craft and a commentary” into the garishly colored, not particularly original, and ultimately forgettable oil painitng. “People who want to know what my whole life has been about really only need to look at this.” Reese concluded his assessment by stating that, given his breakthrough on this work, he may finally be ready to embark upon a long-planned video art project for which he has absolutely no qualifications or training.

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