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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Terrible Artist Thinks Latest Piece Really Represents A Culmination Of Everything He’s Been Working Toward All His Life

BURLINGTON, VT—Citing a lifetime of deep commitment to the creative process, profoundly untalented painter Todd Reese told reporters Saturday that his newest mixed-media piece is the inevitable culmination of a decades-long period of artistic growth. “In Hand Of God #8, you can definitely see the evolution of my entire body of work over the years in terms of both technique and theme—or mode and motif, if you will,” said the remarkably hackneyed Reese, 56, who reportedly funneled his “entire philosophy of art, as both a craft and a commentary” into the garishly colored, not particularly original, and ultimately forgettable oil painitng. “People who want to know what my whole life has been about really only need to look at this.” Reese concluded his assessment by stating that, given his breakthrough on this work, he may finally be ready to embark upon a long-planned video art project for which he has absolutely no qualifications or training.

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