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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he frantically searched his messenger bag for a pen, all so he could immortalize a tragically asinine notion on a scrap of paper. According to witnesses, the 29-year-old repeated the pointless idea to himself over and over while looking for the writing utensil, in order to insure the conservation of his precious concept. "This is why I always carry my little notebook," said Henry, who underlined, starred, and later e-mailed the thought to himself, apparently believing that a cognizant human being on earth might one day want to hear it. "This is good." The moronic bullshit idea had to do with efficient management techniques in the workplace.

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