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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he frantically searched his messenger bag for a pen, all so he could immortalize a tragically asinine notion on a scrap of paper. According to witnesses, the 29-year-old repeated the pointless idea to himself over and over while looking for the writing utensil, in order to insure the conservation of his precious concept. "This is why I always carry my little notebook," said Henry, who underlined, starred, and later e-mailed the thought to himself, apparently believing that a cognizant human being on earth might one day want to hear it. "This is good." The moronic bullshit idea had to do with efficient management techniques in the workplace.

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