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Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right?

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right?

CHICAGO—Though the historically bad Seattle Seahawks managed, despite a 7-9 record, to defeat the defending world-champion Saints on Saturday, football fans agreed yesterday that the team will be thoroughly demolished on the road in Chicago this Sunday, right? "Look, they have the 28th-ranked offense and 27th-ranked defense; they're going to lose by 100, or at least a touchdown or so, right?" said Bears fan Kent Palmer, adding "lightning doesn't strike twice, usually." "It doesn't matter that they've already beaten us this year and they went point-for-point with the Saints. Marshawn Lynch isn't good, and I can't even name one player on their defense, so, yeah, they're going to get destroyed. I'm, like, 75 percent sure of it. Like, 50 percent sure. Twenty-five percent." In response, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck assured reporters that the Seahawks are, in fact, going to lose.

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