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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right?

CHICAGO—Though the historically bad Seattle Seahawks managed, despite a 7-9 record, to defeat the defending world-champion Saints on Saturday, football fans agreed yesterday that the team will be thoroughly demolished on the road in Chicago this Sunday, right? "Look, they have the 28th-ranked offense and 27th-ranked defense; they're going to lose by 100, or at least a touchdown or so, right?" said Bears fan Kent Palmer, adding "lightning doesn't strike twice, usually." "It doesn't matter that they've already beaten us this year and they went point-for-point with the Saints. Marshawn Lynch isn't good, and I can't even name one player on their defense, so, yeah, they're going to get destroyed. I'm, like, 75 percent sure of it. Like, 50 percent sure. Twenty-five percent." In response, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck assured reporters that the Seahawks are, in fact, going to lose.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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