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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Terrible Sports Editor Wants To Lead With Beckham, AC Milan Story

PHOENIX—Lousy Arizona Ledger weekly sports section editor Gene Crewdson "went with his [idiotic] gut" once again Thursday, deciding to ignore what may be the biggest steroid scandal yet and lead with David Beckham's decision to leave the U.S. and play for AC Milan. "'Beckham Bends It Back Overseas' is our story, boys," Crewdson said to his staff of writers, all of whom stared back at him, mouths agape, for nearly a minute. "Big-name celebrity doing controversial big-time things with a big color picture on the cover. Soccer's the sport of the future. This is obviously what we run with." When gently reminded of recent baseball news, Crewdson responded that nobody cares about steroids anymore, it's not baseball season, and in this economy you do not want to risk missing the big story.

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