adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Terrier Bravely Defends Family From Squeak

VANDERBILT, PA—Jasper, a 3-year-old short-legged terrier, gallantly defended the Henry household from a brief, high-pitched squeak Sunday night. According to safe and sound sources, the 18-pound canine launched from the living room couch upon hearing the peep and darted through the house multiple times in an effort to drive away the intruding sound. During his sweep of the premises, Jasper barked continuously and made brief stops in the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, and the kitchen again, bravely putting himself between his family and the millisecond-long chirp. "Easy, boy," Tom Henry, 42, said. "Easy." As of press time, Jasper is standing at the ready in preparation for the squeak's return.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close