adBlockCheck

Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that "a force or forces unknown" is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours. "Whatever is causing the dramatic and frankly disgusting changes in these bananas is able to penetrate any container and is completely undetectable by any known instrument," said visibly shaken FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg, adding that the black sections of banana were "quite mushy and gross." "We urge anyone currently in possession of normal yellow bananas to consume them immediately, before this mysterious blackening malignancy can strike—and it will strike." The disturbing news comes only weeks after the FDA's announcement that bananas' tough, fibrous outer layer should always be removed before consumption.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close