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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that "a force or forces unknown" is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours. "Whatever is causing the dramatic and frankly disgusting changes in these bananas is able to penetrate any container and is completely undetectable by any known instrument," said visibly shaken FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg, adding that the black sections of banana were "quite mushy and gross." "We urge anyone currently in possession of normal yellow bananas to consume them immediately, before this mysterious blackening malignancy can strike—and it will strike." The disturbing news comes only weeks after the FDA's announcement that bananas' tough, fibrous outer layer should always be removed before consumption.

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