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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Terrified FDA Warns Something Making Bananas Black After Several Days

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration made an emergency announcement Monday to alert all U. S. citizens that "a force or forces unknown" is turning seemingly normal bananas black, soft, and virtually inedible in as little as 72 hours. "Whatever is causing the dramatic and frankly disgusting changes in these bananas is able to penetrate any container and is completely undetectable by any known instrument," said visibly shaken FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg, adding that the black sections of banana were "quite mushy and gross." "We urge anyone currently in possession of normal yellow bananas to consume them immediately, before this mysterious blackening malignancy can strike—and it will strike." The disturbing news comes only weeks after the FDA's announcement that bananas' tough, fibrous outer layer should always be removed before consumption.

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