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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Terrified Johnny Depp Unable To Remove Tonto Makeup

NASHVILLE, TN—Following the release of Disney’s The Lone Ranger, actor Johnny Depp told reporters that the makeup he wore for his co-starring role in the film as Tonto still will not come off. “I’m telling you, I’ve washed my face 40 or 50 times and I keep scraping at it with my fingers, but it does nothing,” a panicking Depp explained, adding that he’s afraid the paint may have somehow seeped into his skin. “Christ, what if it never comes off? What if this is what I look like now? Please help me, I’m begging you.” Depp added that though Tonto’s stuffed-crow headdress also seemed to be inextricably fused to his head, he was happy to continue wearing it for a while.

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