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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Terrified Johnny Depp Unable To Remove Tonto Makeup

NASHVILLE, TN—Following the release of Disney’s The Lone Ranger, actor Johnny Depp told reporters that the makeup he wore for his co-starring role in the film as Tonto still will not come off. “I’m telling you, I’ve washed my face 40 or 50 times and I keep scraping at it with my fingers, but it does nothing,” a panicking Depp explained, adding that he’s afraid the paint may have somehow seeped into his skin. “Christ, what if it never comes off? What if this is what I look like now? Please help me, I’m begging you.” Depp added that though Tonto’s stuffed-crow headdress also seemed to be inextricably fused to his head, he was happy to continue wearing it for a while.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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