adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Terrified Matt Moore Audibles After Allegedly Seeing Monster In Defense

CHARLOTTE, NC—Early in the third quarter of last Sunday's game against the Saints, Carolina Panthers quarterback Matt Moore saw something terrifying and inhuman in the defense and called an audible, the visibly shaken quarterback later confirmed. "I didn't like what I saw out there, because, I swear to God, this thing had huge claws and fangs," said Moore, who frantically ran up and down the line of scrimmage pointing and screaming, warning his teammates about the ghoulish beast, and yelling "blue 32 falcon." "If I didn't change the play, then that thing—whatever the hell it was—would have killed [running back] Jonathan [Stewart], because it was right in perfect position to rip him to shreds." Moore, who changed the play from a toss right to a quick slant, was hit on the blind side and sacked for an eight-yard loss by a yeti.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close