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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Terrified 'Newsroom' Writers Nodding Heads At Every Bad Idea Aaron Sorkin Says

LOS ANGELES—Though they harbored serious reservations about his proposed ideas and considered nearly all of them to be formulaic rehashes of story elements and dialogue he’s used in his previous work, staff writers for the HBO original series The Newsroom nevertheless nodded in agreement at every horrible suggestion Aaron Sorkin made during brainstorming sessions this week, the team of terrified writers reported. “Good idea,” said the staffers who were scared to death of disagreeing with Sorkin, even though they all reportedly felt that his thoughts on season two were lame, idealistic to a nauseating extent, and basically just a way for Sorkin to use his characters to bark his clichéd platitudes at television viewers. “That’s a smart direction. I hadn’t even thought of that.” Before silently going back to work, sources confirmed that every writer in the room was privately thinking that if they only had the balls to stand up to Sorkin and fight for the fresh ideas and storytelling techniques they brought to the table they could make the show immeasurably better.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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