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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC—With the nation safely distracted by the NBA playoffs, Congress passed the terrifying Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act of 2003 with little opposition Monday.

Dallas Mavericks fans cheer on their team while Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (left) announced the passage of the terrifying new law.

"This piece of legislation is essential, both for more efficient implementation of the New American Ideal and to give law enforcement the broad discretionary powers necessary to enforce certain vital civil and behavioral mandates," said U.S. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), addressing an empty press room Sunday, midway through game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals. "We are confident that Americans will embrace this law, should they eventually realize it has been passed."

H.R. 2395 was introduced to Congress on May 15 during the fourth quarter of the San Antonio Spurs' 110-82 victory over the defending-champion Los Angeles Lakers in the deciding game of the Western Conference semifinals.

Andy Guthridge of Savannah, GA, is among the estimated 240 million Americans unaware of the sweeping package of civil-liberties curtailments, voting-privilege re-qualifications, and mandatory relocation of the working poor to the Dakotas.

"Man, I was so glad to see the Lakers finally get knocked off," said Guthridge, who was glued to TNT while the bill's passage aired on C-SPAN. "Shaq and Kobe and the rest of those dicks have had it coming for a long time."

In addition to allocating $14 billion for "development of surveillance technologies and domestic weaponry," the bill expands the criminal code to include any acts determined to be "a compromise of national interests" by the Justice Department or other federal authorities. U.S. Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE) also tacked on a rider late in the approval process that adds situational provisions to the First Amendment and effectively does away with the Fifth.

The controversial additions might have threatened the law's passage, had they not been made during the closing minutes of the Dallas Mavericks' thrilling 112-99 come-from-behind win over the Sacramento Kings in game seven of their series.

"The First Amendment will still protect almost all of the forms of expression that it always has," said Biden, who will assume his new duties as Commandant Of The Greater West on June 1. "The average patriotic American won't even notice the difference. How about that Jason Kidd? Right now, I'd say he's the best point guard in the East, if not the entire NBA."

Americans' reactions to the new laws were mixed.

"I know everyone's talking about the Nets these days, but the Mavs are still the team to beat," said Plano, TX, resident Doug Abbott, whose vegetable-wholesaling business is slated to be annexed by the newly created Federal Reacquisition Corps. "I'm sorry, but you're not winning an NBA championship with Jason Collins at center. They'll easily get past the Pistons, but come Finals time, [Dirk] Nowitzki's gonna eat him alive."

"No way—this is the Nets' year," said James Cimini of Hackensack, NJ. "With the Lakers out of the picture, it's New Jersey's time to shine. Whether it's the Spurs or the Mavs, neither team can contain K-Mart, Mr. Kenyon Martin. This postseason, he's moved up from being merely a very good forward to one of the league's elite players."

In a nationally televised address before an estimated audience of 150, President Bush praised the Citizenship Redefinition And Income-Based Relocation Act.

"The swift passage of this very important law proves what I have always believed: that government works best when spared the constant carping and criticism of naysayers," Bush said. "I am proud of all the senators, representatives, regional overseers, and metropolitan sub-commanders who worked so hard to make this law a reality. Almost as proud as San Antonio is of its Spurs."

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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