Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes

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Vol 35 Issue 44

Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight

SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating weight of 190 pounds, he announced Monday. "Oh, man, I have got to lose this weight if I'm gonna be back out there dating again," said Geisinger, who for years has carried 75 pounds of excess marital flab on his 5'11" frame. "No good-looking single woman is gonna want to go out with a guy who looks like this." Geisinger said he is eager to remarry so he can gain back the weight he is about to lose.

Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password

PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate marketing manager revealed Tuesday. "Oh, man, it is seriously the most awesome password ever," Aldridge said. "Unfortunately, I can't tell anyone, because the whole point is to keep it a secret. But believe me, if you heard this password, you would be so unbelievably jealous." Though Aldridge has given no clues as to what the password might be, several of his friends said they strongly suspect it has something to do with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The Simpsons or They Might Be Giants.

Anarchists Rise Up, Move To Different Cafeteria Table

BATAVIA, NY—After years of working toward an ultimate goal of smashing the dominant social and political hierarchy, the Anarchy League of Batavia South High School rose up and took action Monday, moving to another cafeteria table when this bunch of jerks from the popular kids' table wouldn't stop making faces and shooting spitballs at them. "At long last, the time has come for us to gather our books and sit over at that other table by the window where, hopefully, those guys will stop bugging us," said sophomore anarchist Lindsay Franklin, 15. "I hate those stupid idiots. They think they're so cool."

Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails."

Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?
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Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes

LONDON—An action-packed chase through the subway tunnels beneath London's famed Victoria Station, culminating in a climactic, pulse-pounding fight sequence atop a speeding double-decker bus, did not occur Monday, when a terrorist bomb exploded on a crowded downtown bus after not being defused at the very last moment.

The aftermath of a deadly terrorist attack that was not averted in an edge-of-your-seat finale.

The bombing, which killed 22 and seriously injured at least 30 more, ranks among the worst incidents of terrorism to hit London in years and was not presented in THX digital Surroundsound.

"That's it, scum—now it's time to take out the trash," a grim-faced CIA agent, who had been working closely with a team of Britain's top anti-terrorism experts, did not say moments before defeating the leader of a mysterious terrorist organization in a deadly, desperate encounter atop the speeding bus.

"It was horrible, just horrible," said a visibly shaken Edith Nesbitt, 38, a London homemaker whose 12-year-old daughter Annalee was badly injured in the explosion. "Everywhere you turned, there was smoke and death. So much senseless pain and suffering. How could anybody do something like this?"

Annalee is currently listed in critical condition at a local hospital after not being pulled out of harm's way by a man who lost his own family to a terrorist attack years before and swore never to let another child suffer again, no matter what the cost.

London police officials do not yet know whether the deadly attack—which was not accompanied by selections from today's hottest acts, including hits by The Chemical Brothers, Foo Fighters and Method Man—was the work of a militant faction of the IRA, Palestinian extremists, or an individual not affiliated with a terrorist organization. However, evil criminal masterminds bent on destroying the world from their top-secret, high-tech undersea headquarters have been "definitely ruled out" as suspects.

In addition, no psychopathic former FBI demolitions experts who went insane after the deaths of their wives, which to this day they blame on the government agents who originally trained them to be killers, have stepped forward to claim responsibility for the tragedy. And no streamlined black helicopters, dangling rope ladders from which trained SWAT teams dropped onto the bus at high speeds, arrived on the scene just in time to freeze the bomb's homemade timer casing with liquid nitrogen, saving the lives of the dozens of innocent people on board.

An ambulance carrying victims not pulled from harm's way by anyone's recklessly brave actions.

"Out of nowhere, nobody suddenly leapt onto the bus from the roof of a nearby building, tackling the foul villain behind this unthinkable act," said shopkeeper Thomas Kent, who lost most of his right arm in the blast. "Then, after stopping the mad bomber's plan, nobody got the girl, grabbing her roughly about the waist and kissing her slightly smudged face as the credits rolled."

Added Kent: "The doctors say my wife may not survive the night."

Though top Scotland Yard officials have assigned a special team to investigate the crime, they currently have no leads regarding the identity of the culprits or a possible motive. The officials also have not surprised any onlookers by swimming alive to the surface of the Thames River after driving any speeding sportscars into the river in slow motion, momentarily causing people to think they'd been killed before emerging unharmed.

"We are slowly sifting through the forensic evidence, but it is still far too early to draw any definitive conclusions about this bombing," Scotland Yard spokesman Winston Crawford told reporters at a Monday press conference, not held in a room in which any special supercomputer swivels out from behind a giant antique bookcase. "At this point, all we really know is that none of us have recently slept with any stunning, exotic-looking foreign women who may or may not be working for the Russians, and that there may be as many as a dozen more bodies still underneath the rubble that rescue workers have yet to locate and identify."

When asked if police have come across any secret satellite photos, coded messages, or double-dealing informants who have revealed a way to track the deadly bombers to their lair, surround them with an elite assault team, and somehow, against all odds, stop them before they kill again, Crawford replied, "No."

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