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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse

ANAHEIM, CA—Claiming that thousands of innocent lives had been saved, authorities announced today that a plot to bomb the Honda Center was successfully foiled Thursday evening after a concert security worker lightly tapped a purse with his hands, revealing several hidden explosives. “I grazed the outside of her bag with my fingers for a split second, and I could immediately feel the IEDs in there,” said Anthony Corvine, the heroic 31-year-old security staffer who identified the threat while manning the arena’s bag-check line. “We’re specially trained for this sort of thing, so a brief touch of any purse or backpack and we’ll know exactly what’s in there. People say I’m a hero, but I was just following our standard, highly effective purse-tapping protocol.” Sources confirmed this is the second such terrorist plot recently foiled at a major stadium, after security at New York City’s Barclays Center quickly patted the front pockets of an attempted suicide bomber last month.

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