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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse

ANAHEIM, CA—Claiming that thousands of innocent lives had been saved, authorities announced today that a plot to bomb the Honda Center was successfully foiled Thursday evening after a concert security worker lightly tapped a purse with his hands, revealing several hidden explosives. “I grazed the outside of her bag with my fingers for a split second, and I could immediately feel the IEDs in there,” said Anthony Corvine, the heroic 31-year-old security staffer who identified the threat while manning the arena’s bag-check line. “We’re specially trained for this sort of thing, so a brief touch of any purse or backpack and we’ll know exactly what’s in there. People say I’m a hero, but I was just following our standard, highly effective purse-tapping protocol.” Sources confirmed this is the second such terrorist plot recently foiled at a major stadium, after security at New York City’s Barclays Center quickly patted the front pockets of an attempted suicide bomber last month.

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