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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Terry Francona Sends Eric Gagne Down To Made-Up Triple-A Team

CLEVELAND—Following Eric Gagne's 11th inning meltdown in Game 2 of the ALCS, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed the reliever that he was being temporarily demoted to the "Appleton Red Wolves," a completely fabricated Triple-A team that, unbeknownst to Gagne, Francona made up right on the spot. "I don't agree with the move, but if Terry thinks I need some time to work on my mechanics, then it's my job to report to Appleton, a town which Terry told me is somewhere in central Minnesota and where he assured me all the buses go if you just get on one and ride for a couple days," said Gagne, who in reality cannot be removed from the ALCS roster unless of injury. "According to Terry, it's a great little town, and their fans—the Wolf Pack, as they're apparently known—are really eager to see me pitch. And on the plus side, Terry said that if the Sox make it past the ALCS, they'll wait for me to come back before starting the World Series. So hey, win-win." At press time, Gagne is standing alone on the mound of an overgrown Little League field in St. Paul.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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