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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Terry Francona Sends Eric Gagne Down To Made-Up Triple-A Team

CLEVELAND—Following Eric Gagne's 11th inning meltdown in Game 2 of the ALCS, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed the reliever that he was being temporarily demoted to the "Appleton Red Wolves," a completely fabricated Triple-A team that, unbeknownst to Gagne, Francona made up right on the spot. "I don't agree with the move, but if Terry thinks I need some time to work on my mechanics, then it's my job to report to Appleton, a town which Terry told me is somewhere in central Minnesota and where he assured me all the buses go if you just get on one and ride for a couple days," said Gagne, who in reality cannot be removed from the ALCS roster unless of injury. "According to Terry, it's a great little town, and their fans—the Wolf Pack, as they're apparently known—are really eager to see me pitch. And on the plus side, Terry said that if the Sox make it past the ALCS, they'll wait for me to come back before starting the World Series. So hey, win-win." At press time, Gagne is standing alone on the mound of an overgrown Little League field in St. Paul.

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