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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays

LONDON—A backyard barbecue hosted by director Terry Gilliam was postponed again Sunday due to production delays. "I had a special grill flown in from Fiji, but it took three weeks to figure out how to light it," Gilliam said of the 20-foot, volcano-shaped propane grill he'd deemed integral to the Tiki-themed event. "Then, just when I had the menu hammered out, Johnny [Depp] got sick, and I had to push the date back again. See, the whole thing was for his birthday in June." In spite of the continued delays, party guest Elvis Mitchell predicted that the event will be "visually stunning" and "fun."

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