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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Texans Confident They Have Right Pieces In Place To Make Deep Preseason Run

HOUSTON—Saying the team has benefited from a number of crucial offseason pickups, members of the Houston Texans expressed confidence to reporters Monday that they now have the right pieces in place to make a deep preseason run. “We’ve had our struggles before, but now that we’ve filled out the roster a bit, I think we have what it takes to go all the way in the preseason,” said Texans running back Arian Foster, pointing to such recent squad additions as starting quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick and safety Kendrick Lewis, both of whom Foster insisted would help the Texans “do some serious damage” during games in August. “We might have our share of doubters, but everyone here is tuning that stuff out and focusing on one thing: winning in the preseason. Honestly, if we can get hot and live up to our potential, I wouldn’t be surprised if we went 4-0 this year.” Foster went on to boldly claim that the Texans will be especially dangerous late in preseason games, when opposing teams are primarily fielding second and third stringers.

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