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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Texans Confident They Have Right Pieces In Place To Make Deep Preseason Run

HOUSTON—Saying the team has benefited from a number of crucial offseason pickups, members of the Houston Texans expressed confidence to reporters Monday that they now have the right pieces in place to make a deep preseason run. “We’ve had our struggles before, but now that we’ve filled out the roster a bit, I think we have what it takes to go all the way in the preseason,” said Texans running back Arian Foster, pointing to such recent squad additions as starting quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick and safety Kendrick Lewis, both of whom Foster insisted would help the Texans “do some serious damage” during games in August. “We might have our share of doubters, but everyone here is tuning that stuff out and focusing on one thing: winning in the preseason. Honestly, if we can get hot and live up to our potential, I wouldn’t be surprised if we went 4-0 this year.” Foster went on to boldly claim that the Texans will be especially dangerous late in preseason games, when opposing teams are primarily fielding second and third stringers.

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