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Texans Elect Gun

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Texans Elect Gun

AUSTIN, TX—In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate Tuesday.

The newly elected senator.

The victory marks the first ever for a handgun in a federal election.

"It gives me great pleasure to know that the people of the Republic of Texas will be represented in Washington by such a well-crafted firearm," Texas Gov. George W. Bush said at the gun's victory celebration. "I am confident that, with the tremendous stopping power of its .44 Magnum caliber, this handgun will strongly defend Texans' interests on Capitol Hill."

Taking 87 percent of the popular vote, the El Paso-based gun handily defeated Democratic opponent Karl Janssen, who ran on a platform of guaranteed child care, increased education spending, and tax incentives for small businesses. The gun's campaign focused on its deep nickel plating, the smooth action of its finely machined cylinder, and the crisp, positive pull of its trigger.

Showing remarkable political savvy for a first-time candidate, the gun took an impressive 71 percent of the women's vote by prominently displaying its elegant pearl grips and well-tooled leather holster throughout the campaign.

Though the gun was unavailable for comment on its decisive victory, Andrew Lawford, campaign director for Gun '97, issued a brief press release stating that the gun was "humbled by the honor of representing the people of Texas on Capitol Hill, and would do its best to maintain its policy of being a double-action centerfire pistol, the sort of good, honest firearm which has served Texans so proudly in the past."

Gun '97 supporters cheer their candidate at a post-election victory rally in Lubbock.

In his statement, Lawford also thanked the many groups that endorsed the gun, including the Sam Houston Society, Citizens For An Independent Texas and the National Rifle Association.

Supporters cited a variety of reasons for voting for the weapon.

"I have the deepest respect for Mr. Janssen," said George Remnick, a 47-year-old hardware-store owner from Corpus Christi. "He was well-informed on important Texas issues, had some good ideas concerning tax restructuring, and gave me the impression of being a tough but fair-minded person. But when I saw the gun's well-machined action and nickel-plated, six-inch barrel, I just thought to myself, 'Which one of these candidates do I want representing me on Capitol Hill?'"

"Honesty, integrity, independence: This gun stands for the same things that I and so many other Texans do," said Jack Tyler, a San Antonio marketing consultant. "And, to be honest, those are values I don't see a whole lot of politicians possessing nowadays. What it came down to for me was a sense that, unlike Mr. Janssen, this gun is a good, old-fashioned, God-fearing American, the kind I can identify with."

Tyler said the fact that the gun's ancestors fought at the Alamo and fired on Pancho Villa "certainly didn't hurt."

"It's about time we had some strong representation in Washington, the kind of tough legislator who's not afraid of a fight," said Edward Wilson, owner of Skyydancer's, a Dallas-area gentlemen's club. "This gun sends a strong message to the people of the U.S.: Don't Mess With Texas."

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