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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Texans Players Wish They Were Good Enough To Rally For Gary Kubiak

HOUSTON—With their longtime coach just released from the hospital after collapsing during Sunday night’s game, members of the Houston Texans admitted to reporters Tuesday that they just wished the team was good enough to make a spirited on-field rally for Gary Kubiak. “We all love Coach, and don’t get me wrong, we want to go out there and win to lift his spirits so he can make a quicker recovery, but we can’t do it,” said Texans defensive end J.J. Watt, noting that while dedicating a huge victory to Kubiak “would be great,” the team is realistic about their chances after starting the season 2-6 and blowing an 18-point lead against Indianapolis last weekend. “If we were a little healthier and had a better passing game, then yeah, maybe we could come together and turn the season around for Coach Kubiak. But for now, pretty much the only thing we’re capable of is visiting him at home and playing with a ‘GK’ decal on our helmets. That’s about it.” Many players later confirmed that they might inspire Kubiak with a strong, hard-fought win in the team’s Nov. 24 game against the Jaguars.

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