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Sports

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Texans Players Wish They Were Good Enough To Rally For Gary Kubiak

HOUSTON—With their longtime coach just released from the hospital after collapsing during Sunday night’s game, members of the Houston Texans admitted to reporters Tuesday that they just wished the team was good enough to make a spirited on-field rally for Gary Kubiak. “We all love Coach, and don’t get me wrong, we want to go out there and win to lift his spirits so he can make a quicker recovery, but we can’t do it,” said Texans defensive end J.J. Watt, noting that while dedicating a huge victory to Kubiak “would be great,” the team is realistic about their chances after starting the season 2-6 and blowing an 18-point lead against Indianapolis last weekend. “If we were a little healthier and had a better passing game, then yeah, maybe we could come together and turn the season around for Coach Kubiak. But for now, pretty much the only thing we’re capable of is visiting him at home and playing with a ‘GK’ decal on our helmets. That’s about it.” Many players later confirmed that they might inspire Kubiak with a strong, hard-fought win in the team’s Nov. 24 game against the Jaguars.

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