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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Texans Players Wish They Were Good Enough To Rally For Gary Kubiak

HOUSTON—With their longtime coach just released from the hospital after collapsing during Sunday night’s game, members of the Houston Texans admitted to reporters Tuesday that they just wished the team was good enough to make a spirited on-field rally for Gary Kubiak. “We all love Coach, and don’t get me wrong, we want to go out there and win to lift his spirits so he can make a quicker recovery, but we can’t do it,” said Texans defensive end J.J. Watt, noting that while dedicating a huge victory to Kubiak “would be great,” the team is realistic about their chances after starting the season 2-6 and blowing an 18-point lead against Indianapolis last weekend. “If we were a little healthier and had a better passing game, then yeah, maybe we could come together and turn the season around for Coach Kubiak. But for now, pretty much the only thing we’re capable of is visiting him at home and playing with a ‘GK’ decal on our helmets. That’s about it.” Many players later confirmed that they might inspire Kubiak with a strong, hard-fought win in the team’s Nov. 24 game against the Jaguars.

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