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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight’s scheduled execution of convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy to cheer them back up. “I was completely devastated after learning that abortion providers throughout the state would remain open, but thankfully, there’s nothing better to lift up our spirits than an old-fashioned execution,” said Fort Worth anti-abortion activist Caroline Hinton, who added that the impending lethal injection of McCarthy was “more than enough” to put a smile back on her face. “And as soon as I remembered that the state of Texas is preparing to take a woman’s life this evening by strapping her onto a gurney and shooting a cocktail of deadly chemicals into her arteries, I just perked right up and put those failed abortion restrictions out of my mind. And it’s our 500th execution, too, so it’s going to be a real celebration! I guess this week won’t turn out all bad after all.” At press time, Hinton reported feeling “even better” after learning that Governor Rick Perry is expected to call a special session to reintroduce the anti-abortion legislation and that political analysts say it will likely pass.

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