adBlockCheck

Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

Top Headlines

Recent News

End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

AUSTIN, TX—Following state senator Wendy Davis’ successful filibuster of sweeping abortion restrictions last night, disappointed Texans told reporters they are looking forward to tonight’s scheduled execution of convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy to cheer them back up. “I was completely devastated after learning that abortion providers throughout the state would remain open, but thankfully, there’s nothing better to lift up our spirits than an old-fashioned execution,” said Fort Worth anti-abortion activist Caroline Hinton, who added that the impending lethal injection of McCarthy was “more than enough” to put a smile back on her face. “And as soon as I remembered that the state of Texas is preparing to take a woman’s life this evening by strapping her onto a gurney and shooting a cocktail of deadly chemicals into her arteries, I just perked right up and put those failed abortion restrictions out of my mind. And it’s our 500th execution, too, so it’s going to be a real celebration! I guess this week won’t turn out all bad after all.” At press time, Hinton reported feeling “even better” after learning that Governor Rick Perry is expected to call a special session to reintroduce the anti-abortion legislation and that political analysts say it will likely pass.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close