adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Texas A&M Fans Celebrate 1999 Alamo Bowl Victory Over Penn State

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Following the NCAA’s decision Monday to vacate all of Penn State’s wins from 1998 through 2011, thousands of Texas A&M students and fans poured onto campus in a frenzy of excitement to celebrate what has now been ruled as a victory for their team in the 1999 Alamo Bowl. “First thing we had to do was track down Coach [R.C.] Slocum—we found him at home mowing his lawn and immediately dumped Gatorade on him,” said 32-year-old former Aggie fullback Ja’Mar Toombs, standing in a streamer-strewn street below a banner reading “Congratulations, 1999 Alamo Bowl Champs.” “You spend your whole life dreaming about NCAA rulings like this, and when one finally comes, you almost can’t believe it. I’m just so happy to share it with those of my teammates who are still around.” When reporters asked about the appropriateness of celebrating a game that took place during a trip on which Jerry Sandusky allegedly molested a young boy he brought with him to Texas, their questions were inevitably drowned out by triumphant chants of “A and M!”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close