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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal injection. “Yesterday, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice executed its 500th inmate since the state reinstated capital punishment in 1982, and the 393rd one who was proven to have committed the crime of murder beyond a reasonable doubt,” said U.S. Deputy Attorney General James Cole at a press briefing this afternoon, adding that the Texas legal system had, in this particular instance, “definitely confirmed” that McCarthy killed her 71-year-old neighbor in 1997. “As of today, Texas leads all states with its 500 total executions, 393 of whom were guilty individuals, and 98 executions of prisoners who they’re fairly certain were guilty.” Cole noted, however, that Texas was tied with Florida for the most executions that, in retrospect, they weren’t all that sure about, with nine apiece.

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