Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona

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Vol 46 Issue 34

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Jacksonville Jaguars Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw the ball at the Jaguar's weak secondary or run it through the soft middle of their line Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown a...

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New WNBA Promotion Lets First 100 Fans Leave Early

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase attendance and reward the league's fans, WNBA president Donna Orender announced Wednesday that the first 100 ticket holders to arrive at the conference semifinal games would be allowed to leave extra early.
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Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona

AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. "I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve," said Perry, referring to Arizona's passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools. "Don't forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that's going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I'm still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we'll be back and more fucked up than ever!" Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.

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