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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Texting-While-Fielding Causes Record Number Of Outfield Collisions

NEW YORK—According to a new report released Saturday by Major League Baseball, a record number of outfield collisions have occurred during the 2012 season due to the rising trend of texting-while-fielding. “Unfortunately, we’ve seen over 600 incidents this year alone, which is roughly triple the number of recorded fielding crashes in 2009,” said the league’s Vice President of Baseball Operations, Joe Torre, revealing that approximately 70 percent of the outfielders in a recent survey admitted to sending texts or emails while trying to catch a pop fly within the last six months. “Texting-while-fielding is incredibly dangerous not only to yourself, but also your teammates. We know it might seem like an important message at the time, but it's just not worth the risk when you're chasing a line drive or sprinting for a hard grounder.” At press time, Cleveland Indians outfielder Michael Brantley was being rushed to the hospital after slamming into Ezequiel Carrera while texting “I got it” to teammates.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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