adBlockCheck

T.G.I. Friday’s Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana

Top Headlines

Business

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

T.G.I. Friday’s Bankrupt After Spending Billions On Priceless Americana

CARROLLTON, TX—After years of spending billions on rare and highly expensive artifacts of American culture to display on its walls, the T.G.I. Friday’s restaurant chain announced Wednesday that it had declared bankruptcy. “We have always believed that authentic, priceless treasures of Americana were necessary to create the Friday’s dining experience, but in retrospect buying game-used, Babe Ruth–autographed baseball bats to display in each of our 900 locations was probably a mistake,” said company president Ricky Richardson, who confirmed the casual dining establishment had laid off more than half its staff, beginning with the thousands of full-time curators it employed to maintain its massive collection of memorabilia. “Showroom-condition 1957 Chevys are expensive enough to begin with, and by the time you pay to saw them in half and have them mounted on the wall in every restaurant, it costs a fortune. I suppose part of the blame falls on me for signing off on the purchase of every trumpet Louis Armstrong played during his 50-year career, and for outbidding the Smithsonian Institution on those propellers from the original Air Force One.” Richardson went on to apologize to all Friday’s shareholders, offering them each a copy of Action Comics #1 for their trouble.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close