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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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T.G.I. Friday's Executive Chef Recommends Booze-On-Meat-With-Cheese Thing

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The executive chef of the Tremont Road T.G.I. Friday's strongly recommended that a table of VIP guests try the evening's special: a "tender, juicy, and heavily seasoned" booze-on-meat-with-cheese thing. "Tonight's special is a succulent 8-ounce meat, infused with imported cheese and drizzled with a creamy reduction of booze," said chef Tom Pinelli, adding that the entrée is served on a bed of cheese and meat, and is best paired with a glass of booze. "However, if you're in the mood for something a little lighter, we do have a refreshing selection of sauce-on-fish-on-stick stuff, as well as some healthier cheese-filled-meat-under-bacon options." For vegetarian diners, Pinelli recommended the 56-ounce fried mushroom.

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