T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot

HOUSTON—In spite of experiences he has had with T.G.I. Friday's in the past, Nate Greisberg has decided to give the popular restaurant a final chance, the 29-year-old told reporters Monday.

Greisberg, who has committed to at least one more visit to this restaurant.

"Well, okay," Greisberg said, after his friend Tom Hazen asked him to dinner at one of 526 T.G.I. Friday's nationwide. "I'll give Friday's one last shot. But if they screw up this time, it's over. I really mean it, Tom. You can only be let down so many times before you say, 'Enough is enough.'"

Greisberg estimates that he has dined at T.G.I. Friday's between 10 and 15 times, adding that almost every visit has been disappointing. While he acknowledged that the food is "sometimes pretty good," he dubbed the restaurant's atmosphere "irritating."

"It's always something," Greisberg said, sighing heavily. "Sometimes, the waitress rubs me the wrong way. Then another time, the service is great, but I'm stuck next to a table full of frat guys. I'd never choose the place if I was picking. I'd either go to the diner near my house or Applebee's."

Greisberg's worst experiences with the restaurant have included sitting near a bachelorette party, and waiting more than an hour for his food during a dinner rush.

In spite of such incidents, Greisberg said he tries to keep an open mind when friends tell him they like T.G.I. Friday's.

"This girl I work with says she likes Friday's because it's so horrible it's funny," Greisberg said. "I can't really understand that. It's not the best place in the world, but it's not the worst. It's just kind of there. And besides, who wants a funny restaurant?"

After almost refusing to eat at T.G.I. Friday's, Greisberg changed his mind when he remembered an ad he'd seen for the restaurant's Jack Daniel's Shrimp special.

"I decided the shrimp might not be the worst thing in the world," Greisberg said. "I told Tom I'd go, but I said,'If I wait an hour for a cold appetizer, only to have my dinner come out a minute later, that's absolutely it.'"

"Tom seemed blown away by that," Greisberg added. "T.G.I. Friday's is one of his favorite places to eat."

Greisberg admitted that he once had a good time at a T.G.I. Friday's, while visiting friends in Seattle. But he qualified his praise, saying that the restaurant itself had little to do with his enjoyment.

"When you're hanging out with John [Pilmeyer] and Tim [Gracowski], you're going to have a wild time," Greisberg said. "We were already drunk, so we decided to go to Friday's and get some Sesame Jack Chicken Strips and some Loaded Potato Skins. We ate, had a few pitchers, and got out of there."

Other members of Greisberg's peer group have reservations about T.G.I. Friday's, as well.

"Our friend Dave [Hildebrand] can't stand the stuff they have on the walls," Greisberg said. "If someone suggests Friday's, he tries to turn the group in favor of Olive Garden. I think a part of me wants to join him... If tonight doesn't go well, I just might do that."

Greisberg said the ultimatum does not extend to the T.G.I. Friday's bar area.

"This is just about the dining area," Greisberg said. "I have no problem with the bar. The drinks are reasonable, and sometimes there are hot women there. As long as we don't stay there all night, I'll do the bar."

Greisberg said he's not looking for a "mind-blowing" dining experience, but that he simply wants a normal evening out with no surprises.

"All I want is for my food to be good and on time," Greisberg said. "I'd also like for there to be no screw-up with the bill and for Tom and me to be able to hear each other talk. If those conditions are met, I will eat at T.G.I. Friday's another day. If they are not, what can I say?"

Hazen said he's confident that Greisberg won't see the ultimatum through.

"Nate's always saying stupid shit like this," Hazen said. "I remember when he said he wouldn't waste money on another stadium concert, because he hates the crowds. But then, when a bunch of us said we were going to see Prince this summer, he was the first to buy tickets."

"Well, Friday's is where we hang out," Hazen added. "He's going to have a much lighter social calendar if he refuses to come with. I would recommend that he think his decision through very seriously."