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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce

CARROLLTON, TX—Looking to infuse its menu with “a little kick,” T.G.I. Friday’s this week introduced its new Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce, a “smoky-sweet glaze” that will serve as the cornerstone for a variety of new entrées inspired by the Golden Globe–nominated actor. “By partnering with Jeff Daniels, we’re bringing together our craveable dishes of steaks, ribs, and burgers with a name synonymous with hot and tangy flavors,” T.G.I. Friday’s vice president of marketing Marissa Langford said in a press release, adding that patrons can choose from a selection of sauces including Jeff Daniels Original, Jeff Daniels Mesquite Marinade, and Sweet Baby Jeff’s Vintage Smokehouse BBQ Sauce. “In celebration of our Jeffed-up new menu, we’re offering our Sizzlin’ Jeff Daniels Sirloin Steak—a 10-ounce fire-grilled Black Angus strip basted with Jeff Daniels Honey Chipotle Sauce and served with a side of crispy jalapeños—for only $10.99. Believe me: Our signature Friday’s recipes seasoned with pure Jeff Daniels is a combination your mouth won’t want to miss.” When reached for comment, Daniels replied that he is “looking forward to sharing [his] passion for barbecue sauce with T.G.I. Friday’s diners everywhere."

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