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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce

CARROLLTON, TX—Looking to infuse its menu with “a little kick,” T.G.I. Friday’s this week introduced its new Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce, a “smoky-sweet glaze” that will serve as the cornerstone for a variety of new entrées inspired by the Golden Globe–nominated actor. “By partnering with Jeff Daniels, we’re bringing together our craveable dishes of steaks, ribs, and burgers with a name synonymous with hot and tangy flavors,” T.G.I. Friday’s vice president of marketing Marissa Langford said in a press release, adding that patrons can choose from a selection of sauces including Jeff Daniels Original, Jeff Daniels Mesquite Marinade, and Sweet Baby Jeff’s Vintage Smokehouse BBQ Sauce. “In celebration of our Jeffed-up new menu, we’re offering our Sizzlin’ Jeff Daniels Sirloin Steak—a 10-ounce fire-grilled Black Angus strip basted with Jeff Daniels Honey Chipotle Sauce and served with a side of crispy jalapeños—for only $10.99. Believe me: Our signature Friday’s recipes seasoned with pure Jeff Daniels is a combination your mouth won’t want to miss.” When reached for comment, Daniels replied that he is “looking forward to sharing [his] passion for barbecue sauce with T.G.I. Friday’s diners everywhere."

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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