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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive

LEWISTON, ME—According to Nancy Britt, a card she received Monday from friend Colleen Merissee, 46, resembled a thank-you note, but subtly expressed underlying hostility. "Thank you so much for providing the mini quiches for Michael's going-away party," Merissee's note read. "Everyone certainly did try them. Many people commented on how unique they were." Merissee added that the gift was very generous, considering that Britt stayed at the party for less than an hour.

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