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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Thank-You Note Passive-Aggressive

LEWISTON, ME—According to Nancy Britt, a card she received Monday from friend Colleen Merissee, 46, resembled a thank-you note, but subtly expressed underlying hostility. "Thank you so much for providing the mini quiches for Michael's going-away party," Merissee's note read. "Everyone certainly did try them. Many people commented on how unique they were." Merissee added that the gift was very generous, considering that Britt stayed at the party for less than an hour.

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