adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason

NEW YORK—That right there, that play in which the team's main offseason acquisition outshone everyone else on the playing field for that brief period of time, is exactly why this team brought that player to this organization for a large sum of money, sources reported Friday. "Sometimes you're a little weak in that area of play and you need to go out and bring in a high-energy guy like that who can help take you to the next level," said a former coach in the broadcast booth whose general manager did the exact same thing before the one championship season he experienced. "That's why he's here. To be the final piece of the puzzle this team has been seeking for so long." Later in the game, the veteran player made an indefensible and costly mistake, causing fans in attendance to boo, angrily ask why team management wasted so much money on him, and question whether or not he should just retire.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close