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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason

NEW YORK—That right there, that play in which the team's main offseason acquisition outshone everyone else on the playing field for that brief period of time, is exactly why this team brought that player to this organization for a large sum of money, sources reported Friday. "Sometimes you're a little weak in that area of play and you need to go out and bring in a high-energy guy like that who can help take you to the next level," said a former coach in the broadcast booth whose general manager did the exact same thing before the one championship season he experienced. "That's why he's here. To be the final piece of the puzzle this team has been seeking for so long." Later in the game, the veteran player made an indefensible and costly mistake, causing fans in attendance to boo, angrily ask why team management wasted so much money on him, and question whether or not he should just retire.

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