That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason

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Vol 46 Issue 47

NBA Ref Accidentally Calls Offsides

SALT LAKE CITY—With 4.3 seconds left on the clock and the Jazz about to inbound the ball, NBA referee Ed Malloy whistled play dead and accidentally called the visiting Bucks for offsides Monday.

Bud Selig Name-Drops Willie Mays At Party

ORLANDO, FL—While attending a recent party following one of Major League Baseball's winter meetings Monday, Commissioner Bug Selig mentioned Hall of Fame outfielder Willie Mays repeatedly throughout the night, recounting numerous anecdotes of meetin...

Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents

LANSDALE, PA—According to delighted reports, 25-year-old Brian Hatcher spent a most exquisite Saturday evening in the enchanting company of not only his parents, Mike, 54, and Diane, 53, but also their dear friends and longtime canasta partners Doug and Trudy Blanchard, both 53.

Barry Sanders

Perhaps the most electrifying running back of all time, Barry Sanders walked away from the game in 1999 to backpack across Europe. Was he any good?
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That Exactly Why Team Picked Up Player In Offseason

NEW YORK—That right there, that play in which the team's main offseason acquisition outshone everyone else on the playing field for that brief period of time, is exactly why this team brought that player to this organization for a large sum of money, sources reported Friday. "Sometimes you're a little weak in that area of play and you need to go out and bring in a high-energy guy like that who can help take you to the next level," said a former coach in the broadcast booth whose general manager did the exact same thing before the one championship season he experienced. "That's why he's here. To be the final piece of the puzzle this team has been seeking for so long." Later in the game, the veteran player made an indefensible and costly mistake, causing fans in attendance to boo, angrily ask why team management wasted so much money on him, and question whether or not he should just retire.

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