adBlockCheck

That 'Full House' Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

That 'Full House' Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.

WASHINGTON, DC—The United States was placed on high alert this morning as the Department of Homeland Security revealed credible evidence suggesting that tomorrow afternoon at approximately 3 p.m., 2 p.m. Central, ABC Family Channel will air that one Full House episode where the Tanners meet the Beach Boys.

Passersby await the latest <i>Full House</i> updates in New York's Times Square Tuesday.

"We strongly advise all Americans to remain indoors between 3:00 and 3:30 p.m., huddle close together with their loved ones, and sit still and stay completely silent unless it's a commercial," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said during a live television address this morning. "In fact, we recommend you be fully prepared by 2:58, so you don't miss the part in the beginning where Danny, Uncle Joey, and the rest of the gang talk like surfers."

Although a general advisory to watch classic Full House episodes is always in effect, government records rate this episode as a 9.1 out of 10, or "Superb." Episodes of this caliber and higher require nationwide warnings.

"Based on Internet chatter pieced together from ABC Family message boards, we can say with relative certainty that it's the one where D.J. wins Beach Boys tickets in the radio contest, but she can only bring one guest, and she picks Uncle Jesse, and Danny gets upset, and then the Beach Boys come over to their house for some reason and start singing 'Kokomo,'" CIA Director Michael Hayden said. "We are unable to reveal any more information at this time, since doing so might ruin all the best parts."

"However, I'm confident the American people know which one we are talking about," Hayden added. "Remember? There's a concert, and the Tanners go onstage and sing? Oh, and the Beach Boys do the 'Beach Boy huddle.' You'll remember once you start watching."

CIA intelligence could not confirm whether or not Kimmy Gibbler makes an appearance during the episode.

"Keep your eyes and ears open," said Chertoff, noting that the threat of laughter is "very real" and that the situation should be taken lightly. "It is up to each and every one of you to be aware of the small but memorable moments, like Joey and Jesse's jingle for Beach Butter Suntan Lotion, or that ridiculous yellow blazer Deej wears to the concert. And only through constant vigilance will you catch Danny's 'Smurfs on Ice' joke."

All citizens have been urged to immediately contact relatives, friends, and neighbors and assure them that little Michelle says something adorable, being absolutely clear exactly which Full House episode featuring the Beach Boys they mean, since the band appeared in two other episodes later in the series. Those who do not have access to cable are advised to seek refuge with someone who does.

"Be warned—this is not the one where the Tanner family goes on vacation to Hawaii and Danny has his 'Clipboard of Fun' and they end up lost because the island they were sailing to turned out to be a potato-chip crumb on the map and then there's Joey and that hula dancer that he keeps seeing and something about Uncle Jesse and Elvis," Chertoff said. "That episode is from the third season, and contrary to popular belief, the Beach Boys do not appear in it."

"We repeat: This is not the Hawaii one," Chertoff added.

The announcement has been met with criticism from citizens who claim the warning has come too late, although the DHS has known about it for months. Many are comparing the situation to the tragic events of 4/13, in which the American people were not notified about the Cheers episode where Cliff goes on Jeopardy! until there were only two minutes left in the show and all the funny parts were over.

Chertoff said the DHS has drawn up a recommended course of action for those who may have to miss the episode in the event of an emergency.

"If you are planning to record the episode using a digital recording device, I have four words of advice for you: 'Save until manually erased,'" Chertoff said. "And for those of you who own the second season on DVD, well, lucky you. Go check out Disc 4, the Howie episode, where Michelle says 'Howie no go.' Priceless."

The DHS discontinued the practice of videotaping classic TV episodes and loaning them out to citizens when, in 2006, they accidentally recorded over the latest al-Qaeda tape with the Home Improvement Christmas special where Mark thinks Wilson is Santa.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close