From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
LOS ANGELES—According to sources who caught the tail end of one of those Entertainment Tonight–type shows, that guy who used to be on that one show with all the ambulances is attempting a comeback by guest-starring as a waiter on one of those shows about rich ladies. "Hey, it's that guy," television viewer Gerard Lund said. "Good for him. I remember I used to like him on that show about the karate doctor." Lund added that he initially had trouble placing the guy because he got pretty fat in rehab.