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That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

CARMICHAELS, PA— Sources confirmed yesterday that that kid in the Carmichaels YMCA youth basketball league, the one who plays for the team in yellow jerseys sponsored by Grimaldi Dental Associates, played another game Tuesday wearing blue jeans.

Reports indicate that this was the 8th consecutive game that 11-year-old Jeremy Burkholder, renowned throughout the league for his unorthodox and presumably uncomfortable basketball attire, has played wearing his No. 9 jersey, a pair of old Spalding basketball sneakers which many speculate were once his older brother's, and the same, worn pair of light-wash Levi Strauss blue jeans.

Sources confirmed that Burkholder's teammates, and those players on the opposing team, all wore traditional basketball shorts.

"The first time Jeremy showed up in jeans, I naturally assumed he was wearing shorts underneath," Burkholder's 10-year-old teammate Colby Oswald said, adding that Burkholder also wears the same jeans to the team's once-a-week practices. "But he didn't take them off for warm-ups or before he got in the game. And he didn't just forget his shorts, either, because at halftime his mom didn't give him shorts to change into."

"We all thought it was against the rules," added Oswald, who later said that though he isn't exactly sure why, he would feel extremely uncomfortable asking Burkholder about his jeans. "I asked my parents after a game once if it was because he's poor and they just shushed me and started looking around."

The overwhelming consensus amongst the league's players is that by even showing up to games wearing jeans, Burkholder is being "weird," "stupid," and "gay." Because players are traditionally dropped off in front of the YMCA, and the walk from the car to the gym is approximately 15 feet, most arrive at the court wearing just their winter coats and basketball shorts. If pants are ever worn, players strongly maintained, they are an athletic garment known as "tear-aways," which are never worn during games, can be removed via buttons running down the length of the pants, and are not made of denim.

Though it is not known for sure whether or not Burkholder prefers jeans, or if Burkholder simply doesn't own shorts, his teammates intimated that it's the latter.

"He smells strange," said teammate Eric Tremba, 12, who admitted he was basing his statement primarily on the fact that Burkholder wears jeans to play basketball. "He's kind of retarded, too. In school he's always really quiet, and during recess he usually just kind of walks around the playground by himself."

Aside from a possibly deprived financial situation or a severe mental handicap, speculation surrounding Burkholder and his lack of shorts continues to increase among the league's players. Some believe that Burkholder has "Russian" or similarly culturally incongrous parents who aren't aware of what basketball shorts are, while others claim that Burkholder's calves and shins were severely burned in a car accident.

Most agree, however, that his odd attire is somehow related to the fact that Burkholder is not a very skilled basketball player.

"I don't think he knows what traveling is," teammate Dale Ross said. "When he gets in the games, he always just kind of stands under the hoop the entire time. So when he shoots the ball it either goes straight up and down, or it bangs the underneath part of the rim."

"Most players who are good wear basketball shorts," Ross added. "Except for Greg [Davis]. He always has the newest [Air] Jordans and wears Nike wrist bands, but he sucks."

Those who know him emphasize that Burkholder's abnormal clothing isn't the 11 year old's only peculiarity. According to his teammates, Burkholder is dropped off at the YMCA games by a bearded man, who many believe is either his father or older brother, driving a rusty pickup truck. The barely glimpsed man does not attend the games, and the truck, which always contains various planks of wood covered by a blue tarp, is not seen again until the game's conclusion. In addition, when Burkholder is late for practices or games, the team's coach never bothers to ask why.

Furthermore, despite an absent brother or father, and despite his limited playing time, Burkholder's cheering section is always the biggest of any player on the team, consisting of various vaguely identical people of both genders ranging in ages from 0 to 90.

"I think his aunts, uncles, and cousins come to the games," said Jason Cuneo, 11, adding that Burkholder may have "like 10 or 15" brothers and sisters. "They are loud, and sometimes the younger ones yell for the coach to put Jeremy in."

Added Cuneo: "Can't they see he's the only one not wearing shorts?"

Though his teammates don't agree with Burkholder's choice of basketball uniform, all have unanimously said that they would rather be on Burkholder's team than the one with the kid who wears Rec Specs, or the one with the weird Jewish kid who plays the entire game wearing "that stupid beanie on his head."

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