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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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'That Seems About Right,' Says Soon-To-Be-Audited Man

CAMDEN, MN—While filling out a 1040 form and other documents Tuesday in preparation for filing his 2012 federal tax returns, local man Robert Moran, a blog writer who will shortly be audited by the Internal Revenue Service, announced that his calculations seem to all add up fine. “Well, I’m self-employed and work mostly from the kitchen, which takes up about a third of my apartment, so that means I can deduct about $6,000 for rent plus all the repairs to the sink and refrigerator, and, yeah, that seems more or less right,” reported the man who will soon be audited by the IRS on suspicion of tax fraud and found to owe the federal government over $14,000 in unpaid taxes in addition to interest and a 20 percent penalty for disallowed deductions. “Plus I had to buy a TV and a DVD player to watch all the shows I blog about, which is another $1,500, and an iPhone that runs about $60 per month. Good thing you’re allowed to write off these business expenses.” At press time, Moran was telling himself that the IRS doesn’t look closely at people like him.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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