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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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That's Fine, Area Girlfriend To See 'Anna Karenina' When Visiting Mom Over Christmas

PHILADELPHIA—Having been talked by her boyfriend into seeing Skyfall instead, a movie he insisted they would both enjoy, local girlfriend Chelsea Condos, 27, confirmed Saturday that it’s fine, she’ll just go to Anna Karenina with her mother when she visits her parents over Christmas. “No, no, it’s fine—I can just see it with my mom,” Condos said to the boyfriend, who also resisted her suggestion of viewing Life Of Pi on claims that he had not read any reviews of it yet. “It’ll be more fun watching it with my mom, anyway. We can just see the James Bond thing tonight.” At press time, Condos was unaware that her vocal anticipation of the upcoming release of Les Misérables would ultimately culminate in the couple going to see Django Unchained.

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