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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The Chevy Chase Show Enters Sixth Blockbuster Season In Alternate Universe

LOS ANGELES–The Chevy Chase Show is steamrolling into its sixth blockbuster season in an alternate universe, it was reported Tuesday.

Chevy Chase chats with Goldie Hawn during a recent epsode of his wildly popular alternate-universe talk show.

According to sources, the late-night talk show, which ran for five disastrous weeks in the fall of 1993 in this universe, earned critical acclaim and a small but devoted cult following during its first season in the alternate realm. The program then steadily grew more popular through word of mouth, becoming the highest-rated talk show on TV by its third season, when Chase was proclaimed "The King Of Late Night" in a Time magazine cover story.

The Chevy Chase Show will celebrate its five years on the air–during which it has won 11 Emmys and two Peabodys–with a star-studded two-hour prime-time special on Fox this Friday at 9 p.m. EST, immediately following The Wilton North Report.

The prime-time special will feature highlights from the past five seasons, from the historic first episode featuring Oscar-winning box-office queen Goldie Hawn to President Clinton's surprise walk-on appearance last year. Clips from the show's wildly popular recurring comedy segments, including "Ask Dr. Chase" and "Chevy Tries On Funny Hats," will also be featured, as will a montage of Chase's serenades to guests on his desk-mounted keyboard.

The show's sixth season kicks off Sept. 7, with a redesigned set featuring a larger fishtank, more sound-effect buttons on Chase's desk, and a supercharged horn section for the show's band, The Hollywood Express.

Chase will still do his popular "News Update" at the show's midpoint, 11:30 p.m. EST, the time at which The Tonight Show With Jay Leno and Late Show With David Letterman used to start before their alternate-universe cancellations in 1993.

"Our strategy of having Chevy do the news just as Dave and Jay were coming on the air worked to perfection," Chevy Chase Show executive producer Marty Sachs said. "Nobody wanted to change channels, and, within a matter of weeks, The Tonight Show and Late Show were history."

For all the success, The Chevy Chase Show was nearly derailed earlier this month when Tom Scott, Chase's bandleader and second banana, held out for $2.5 million for the 1998-99 season. That salary dispute, as well as one with head writer Michael O'Donoghue, was resolved last week.

In a press conference held at the Chevy Chase Theater, one of alternate-universe Los Angeles' hottest tourist landmarks, a smiling Chase told reporters: "I want to thank the critics and the American viewing public for their extraordinary support of The Chevy Chase Show. But, as wonderful as all that has been, what I'm most happy about is just having the opportunity to work with this incredible creative team. I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

Chase then stared blankly into the television cameras while sweating and twitching nervously, the gesture that has become his much-loved trademark over the past five years.

"Chevy is a god," said Peter Scolari, comic actor and alternate-universe star of Forrest Gump, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. "He's everything I aspire to be in this business."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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