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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG. What no one except for ol' Shelby seems to be looking at here is the culpability of the horse. There are a lot of facts that indicate this mare Juniper lured North into this rendezvous.

First of all, Juniper prances around COMPLETELY NAKED nearly all the time. The most this trollop ever wears is a saddle and a few ribbons braided in her tail. Do a quick search for "Juniper" online and you'll see dozens of photos of Juniper running around her paddock nude, like a drunk sorority girl on spring break.

Secondly, this horse is a disgusting mess. Juniper has been seen urinating and defecating in public literally hundreds of times. You thought those Jersey Shore gals were bad. Once at a rodeo she went about her business in front of nearly a thousand people! Right there in the mud! This horse is TROUBLED, people. Does she debase herself this way because of some sick, psychologically-driven need to get attention? Or does this horse simply lack any comprehension of social norms?

Finally, there's a mountain of evidence that Juniper is into some real kinky stuff. Numerous websites online show her getting smacked with a riding crop, wearing blinders over her eyes, even having a bit put in her mouth. Now, in my line of work, I have been forced to encounter some very wild fetishes, but this horse is in a league of her own.

Add all this to the fact that Juniper has never held a job and only attended a two days of high school before getting kicked out for being a horse and you start to get a very clear picture of just how desperate and out-of-control Juniper is. Would a horse like this have wanted to use a wealthy, powerful man like North for everything he's worth? You bet your sweet patootie she would.

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