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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG. What no one except for ol' Shelby seems to be looking at here is the culpability of the horse. There are a lot of facts that indicate this mare Juniper lured North into this rendezvous.

First of all, Juniper prances around COMPLETELY NAKED nearly all the time. The most this trollop ever wears is a saddle and a few ribbons braided in her tail. Do a quick search for "Juniper" online and you'll see dozens of photos of Juniper running around her paddock nude, like a drunk sorority girl on spring break.

Secondly, this horse is a disgusting mess. Juniper has been seen urinating and defecating in public literally hundreds of times. You thought those Jersey Shore gals were bad. Once at a rodeo she went about her business in front of nearly a thousand people! Right there in the mud! This horse is TROUBLED, people. Does she debase herself this way because of some sick, psychologically-driven need to get attention? Or does this horse simply lack any comprehension of social norms?

Finally, there's a mountain of evidence that Juniper is into some real kinky stuff. Numerous websites online show her getting smacked with a riding crop, wearing blinders over her eyes, even having a bit put in her mouth. Now, in my line of work, I have been forced to encounter some very wild fetishes, but this horse is in a league of her own.

Add all this to the fact that Juniper has never held a job and only attended a two days of high school before getting kicked out for being a horse and you start to get a very clear picture of just how desperate and out-of-control Juniper is. Would a horse like this have wanted to use a wealthy, powerful man like North for everything he's worth? You bet your sweet patootie she would.

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