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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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The CrossWord: Juniper Has Troubled Past

All right, people, let's talk about this horse-marriage debacle. The conventional wisdom is that Congressman Ronald North is the bad guy, but like all conventional wisdom, it's DEAD WRONG. What no one except for ol' Shelby seems to be looking at here is the culpability of the horse. There are a lot of facts that indicate this mare Juniper lured North into this rendezvous.

First of all, Juniper prances around COMPLETELY NAKED nearly all the time. The most this trollop ever wears is a saddle and a few ribbons braided in her tail. Do a quick search for "Juniper" online and you'll see dozens of photos of Juniper running around her paddock nude, like a drunk sorority girl on spring break.

Secondly, this horse is a disgusting mess. Juniper has been seen urinating and defecating in public literally hundreds of times. You thought those Jersey Shore gals were bad. Once at a rodeo she went about her business in front of nearly a thousand people! Right there in the mud! This horse is TROUBLED, people. Does she debase herself this way because of some sick, psychologically-driven need to get attention? Or does this horse simply lack any comprehension of social norms?

Finally, there's a mountain of evidence that Juniper is into some real kinky stuff. Numerous websites online show her getting smacked with a riding crop, wearing blinders over her eyes, even having a bit put in her mouth. Now, in my line of work, I have been forced to encounter some very wild fetishes, but this horse is in a league of her own.

Add all this to the fact that Juniper has never held a job and only attended a two days of high school before getting kicked out for being a horse and you start to get a very clear picture of just how desperate and out-of-control Juniper is. Would a horse like this have wanted to use a wealthy, powerful man like North for everything he's worth? You bet your sweet patootie she would.

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