The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims

I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish. TAKE ACTION, that's what. Whether he's a convenience store worker, a police officer, or your doctor, the only smart move you have is to tie him up and start searching him for bombs.

Now, you should be warned that some of your more naive friends may be alarmed by this. "No no," they'll say, "that's Fahad from accounting, he's a great guy" or "That's my daughter's violin teacher, Ms. Patel. She can't be a Decoy Muslim" or "That's Jerry. He's just really tan." DON'T LISTEN TO THEM, PEOPLE. That's what the terrorists want you to think! These Decoy Muslims are trained to make you SOFT. You either wake up today or you get blown up tomorrow! It's that simple!

Let me tell you something: last week, I shoved a 79 year-old woman to the ground, handcuffed her, had her arrested for treason, and didn't break a sweat. And this wasn't a stranger, folks -- Mrs. Hassan lived next door to my parents for 56 years, saved my father from a heart attack when he collapsed on his NordicTrack, and was the only person who showed up to support me during the 1977 Women's Collegiate Rugby National Championships. But did that sway me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. A terrorist is a terrorist. I marched over to her house last Tuesday afternoon, returned a casserole dish she'd brought over, then took her neck straight to the carpet. You can't show ANY mercy, people, or they'll have us right where they want us.

Al Qaeda may have won round one, but you can bet your hat that America's gonna win all the other rounds that there are.