adBlockCheck

The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims

I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish. TAKE ACTION, that's what. Whether he's a convenience store worker, a police officer, or your doctor, the only smart move you have is to tie him up and start searching him for bombs.

Now, you should be warned that some of your more naive friends may be alarmed by this. "No no," they'll say, "that's Fahad from accounting, he's a great guy" or "That's my daughter's violin teacher, Ms. Patel. She can't be a Decoy Muslim" or "That's Jerry. He's just really tan." DON'T LISTEN TO THEM, PEOPLE. That's what the terrorists want you to think! These Decoy Muslims are trained to make you SOFT. You either wake up today or you get blown up tomorrow! It's that simple!

Let me tell you something: last week, I shoved a 79 year-old woman to the ground, handcuffed her, had her arrested for treason, and didn't break a sweat. And this wasn't a stranger, folks -- Mrs. Hassan lived next door to my parents for 56 years, saved my father from a heart attack when he collapsed on his NordicTrack, and was the only person who showed up to support me during the 1977 Women's Collegiate Rugby National Championships. But did that sway me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. A terrorist is a terrorist. I marched over to her house last Tuesday afternoon, returned a casserole dish she'd brought over, then took her neck straight to the carpet. You can't show ANY mercy, people, or they'll have us right where they want us.

Al Qaeda may have won round one, but you can bet your hat that America's gonna win all the other rounds that there are.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close