adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever

It seems like you can't pick up a magazine this week without seeing Zorla Gorgalon and her 352 precious newborns. Why are celebrity-watchers so obsessed with Zorla? It seems there’s a lot of good reasons.

First off, Zorla seems to be a genuinely good mother whose primary concerns in life are simply to put a roof over her children's heads and feeding them the 40 pounds of raw squid and three liters of paint they each consume daily.

Also, unlike some previous multi-mommies, Zorla doesn't appear desperate for the spotlight. In fact, she can be described as downright reclusive, usually hissing at the paparazzi and emitting an extremely high-pitched tone which melts all nearby plastics whenever a cameraman gets too close.

Finally, many fans feel inspired by Zorla's personal story of strength. Not only is Zorla a single mother but she reports she is a recent immigrant to "this place."

No matter what happens next for Zorla, one thing is clear: America will be watching.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close