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The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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The Daily Bump: America Has Gorgalon Fever

It seems like you can't pick up a magazine this week without seeing Zorla Gorgalon and her 352 precious newborns. Why are celebrity-watchers so obsessed with Zorla? It seems there’s a lot of good reasons.

First off, Zorla seems to be a genuinely good mother whose primary concerns in life are simply to put a roof over her children's heads and feeding them the 40 pounds of raw squid and three liters of paint they each consume daily.

Also, unlike some previous multi-mommies, Zorla doesn't appear desperate for the spotlight. In fact, she can be described as downright reclusive, usually hissing at the paparazzi and emitting an extremely high-pitched tone which melts all nearby plastics whenever a cameraman gets too close.

Finally, many fans feel inspired by Zorla's personal story of strength. Not only is Zorla a single mother but she reports she is a recent immigrant to "this place."

No matter what happens next for Zorla, one thing is clear: America will be watching.

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