adBlockCheck

Recent News

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko!

As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes, the emails started flooding in. Here's just a sampling of the outpouring excitement over "Former Warlord: Season 2":

"Zeljko is seriously 10 times crazier than anyone else on TV. He actually killed 10,000 people." I mean, who does that sort of thing?"
--Joe R., Santa Cruz, CA

"Zeljko is the kind of reality TV star you just love to hate. The way he chops off the hands of anyone he doesn't like is so bitchy but also kinda awesome."
--Amanda R., Dallas, TX

"Some people complain Zeljko isn't a good role model but you know what he is? 100 percent real."
--Tim, St. Louis

"Did you see the one where Zeljko flipped out at his mistress in the hot tub and threatened to burn her eyes out with his cigar? What a train wreck. I couldn’t look away."
--Rhonda M., San Diego, CA

"Zeljko is totally insane! I mean he has actually has a psychological problem that makes him lack human empathy. Makes for great TV."
--Larry J., Granton, MO

"I'm sorry about that genocide, but I'm so glad that Zeljko isn't going to the Hague because me and my friends would have to cancel our weekly "White Wine & Former Warlord" party."
--Carla W., Austin, TX

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close