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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The Daily Bump: America Loves Zeljko!

As soon as OBC announced that "Former Warlord" star Zeljko Goran had successfully avoided being extradited to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes, the emails started flooding in. Here's just a sampling of the outpouring excitement over "Former Warlord: Season 2":

"Zeljko is seriously 10 times crazier than anyone else on TV. He actually killed 10,000 people." I mean, who does that sort of thing?"
--Joe R., Santa Cruz, CA

"Zeljko is the kind of reality TV star you just love to hate. The way he chops off the hands of anyone he doesn't like is so bitchy but also kinda awesome."
--Amanda R., Dallas, TX

"Some people complain Zeljko isn't a good role model but you know what he is? 100 percent real."
--Tim, St. Louis

"Did you see the one where Zeljko flipped out at his mistress in the hot tub and threatened to burn her eyes out with his cigar? What a train wreck. I couldn’t look away."
--Rhonda M., San Diego, CA

"Zeljko is totally insane! I mean he has actually has a psychological problem that makes him lack human empathy. Makes for great TV."
--Larry J., Granton, MO

"I'm sorry about that genocide, but I'm so glad that Zeljko isn't going to the Hague because me and my friends would have to cancel our weekly "White Wine & Former Warlord" party."
--Carla W., Austin, TX

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