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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars

So long, Anne and James! In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to sources inside Mandel's imagination. What can we expect from the telecast now that Howie is daydreaming he's at the helm? Our Star Fix mind-reporters give us a sneak peek of what we can expect Sunday night.

The biggest musical number in Oscars history: The performance will feature 1,000 dancers wearing costumes made of colored feathers, dancing holographs of dozens of famous screen actors from history, and a pyrotechnics show just like the one Howie remembers seeing at a Van Halen concert in 1988. Mandel himself will amaze the crowd with the his incredible tap dancing as sings a rendition of the number-one hit song "Howie Wowie."

Alyssa Milano: The actress Alyssa Milano will sit in the front row and wink seductively at Howie Mandel throughout the ceremony, Mandel imagines.

A pure white light: An intense yet soothing white light from an unknown source will fill the Kodak Theater during the ceremony, cleansing it entirely of germs.

A feat of modern comedy: Robin Williams and George Carlin (whom Mandel will imagine faked his death) will step forward to respectively praise the Oscars broadcast as "the best single Oscars in history all due to the host" and "the defining comedic work of the past century." Mandel's jokes will be wildly imaginative, sardonic and biting but also good-natured, each one landing perfectly thanks to Mandel's beloved manic delivery.

A five-hour broadcast: Mandel’s hilarious asides will send the audience into extended fits of laughter that cause the Oscars to run three hours long but no one will care because everyone is having such a good time. Before the telecast has even concluded, Mandel will be deluged with offers from television executives with offers for ten times the amount of money he earns as a judge on "America's Got Talent," a job everyone always knew was beneath him.

Mandel's relationship with his father will be mended: Howie Mandel's performance at the imagined Oscar ceremony will finally convince his father Al that his son's career is respectable. Immediately after the ceremony, Al Mandel will appear backstage, where he will greet Howie and tell him that he is sorry for telling Howie at a holiday gathering in 2006 that Howie was embarrassing the family by acting like a “damn faggoty clown.” Howie Mandel imagines that his father will then hug him and say that he loves him.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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