adBlockCheck

The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars

So long, Anne and James! In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to sources inside Mandel's imagination. What can we expect from the telecast now that Howie is daydreaming he's at the helm? Our Star Fix mind-reporters give us a sneak peek of what we can expect Sunday night.

The biggest musical number in Oscars history: The performance will feature 1,000 dancers wearing costumes made of colored feathers, dancing holographs of dozens of famous screen actors from history, and a pyrotechnics show just like the one Howie remembers seeing at a Van Halen concert in 1988. Mandel himself will amaze the crowd with the his incredible tap dancing as sings a rendition of the number-one hit song "Howie Wowie."

Alyssa Milano: The actress Alyssa Milano will sit in the front row and wink seductively at Howie Mandel throughout the ceremony, Mandel imagines.

A pure white light: An intense yet soothing white light from an unknown source will fill the Kodak Theater during the ceremony, cleansing it entirely of germs.

A feat of modern comedy: Robin Williams and George Carlin (whom Mandel will imagine faked his death) will step forward to respectively praise the Oscars broadcast as "the best single Oscars in history all due to the host" and "the defining comedic work of the past century." Mandel's jokes will be wildly imaginative, sardonic and biting but also good-natured, each one landing perfectly thanks to Mandel's beloved manic delivery.

A five-hour broadcast: Mandel’s hilarious asides will send the audience into extended fits of laughter that cause the Oscars to run three hours long but no one will care because everyone is having such a good time. Before the telecast has even concluded, Mandel will be deluged with offers from television executives with offers for ten times the amount of money he earns as a judge on "America's Got Talent," a job everyone always knew was beneath him.

Mandel's relationship with his father will be mended: Howie Mandel's performance at the imagined Oscar ceremony will finally convince his father Al that his son's career is respectable. Immediately after the ceremony, Al Mandel will appear backstage, where he will greet Howie and tell him that he is sorry for telling Howie at a holiday gathering in 2006 that Howie was embarrassing the family by acting like a “damn faggoty clown.” Howie Mandel imagines that his father will then hug him and say that he loves him.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close